Where you left your keys ...Rick's Cafe Americain

The fantastically unorgininally eponymous Dan K. O’Leary dot com managed to piss me off before I even saw the site, as his site takes longer to load than an ISU 122S heavy assault gun.  Then, imagine my delight when I found that what loaded wasn’t even the blog, but the Home Page from which you can access the blog.  I don’t have the time for this shit.  Nevertheless, I clicked on the “Blog” link and went and got a sandwich.  And a hooker.  And made the hooker a sandwich.  And waited some more.  Finally, I got to the actual blog, called Pragmatic Conservatism (NOTE TO DAN: SEE WHAT I JUST DID THERE?  IT’S CALLED LINKING TO THE ACTUAL BLOG.  NOT THAT HARD.), and guess what?  The third post down is the @#$%ing Challenge, which means I have to pick another one.  I’m tempted to just give up on this guy and give him a 0, but that might hurt his feelings, so I’m going to save him for last and give him a chance to post something new in the meantime.

Next up is Cranial Cavity, the genius who couldn’t even make it through Round 1 last time.  Let’s see what he’s got to offer . . . Unbelievable.  This jackass also posted his challenge response as the third one down.  Kee-rist.  Who’s next?

Thank God.  Wallo World has a non-Challenge post as his third post.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is, it’s his “thoughts (for what they’re worth) on the Academy Award nominations released today. “ Not very much, Triggerman, not very much.  I am almost as tired of seeing bloggers post their “Oscar Picks” (here’s mine) as I am of reading people’s primary predictions.  His big limb-treader?  “I think we’ll all be seeing a lot of Rings.” Well, that is a shocking prediction, especially from the guy who wrote the twice-honored fantasy screenplay Cold Iron.  4. Next!

Oh, great, a redneck.  At least the gal from Southern Musings probably won’t look like this.  Luckily, her third post isn’t a Challenge either—nope, it’s just a link to a bunch of other posts!!! Lucky me.  Maybe next week she’ll post a page from the Mayberry phone book!  Actually, now that I have bled away precious hours clicking on all those links (some of which are broken), I realize it is more than just a string of links.  It is a string of links to the worst post each linked blog has to offer*.  What a tremendously moronic perversion of the grand tradition of link-whoring.  3.

Ahh, finally, the last one.  Where the Hell Was I got on my last nerve right away by making me scroll way the hell down to get to his third post.  I mean, either incorporate a “More" script or write less!  Then, when I finally get to the third one, I realize it’s gonna take longer to read this post than it does to load up this guy’s website (is that silk?).  The post is prefaced by an intro so inane it includes the “words” burstage, burstated, and burstitality, in the context of—and this is a direct quote—“I would just burst if I didn’t tell you about it.” Kill me now.  The first part is answers to Charlie‘s five questions, which reminds me of the one guy who is possibly more of a tool than this guy.  Actually, Charlie gets big points for this section, because he seems to be doing an admirable job of creating, expanding and sustaining an interactive blog community.  The next section is an update on the various contests (including King of the Blogs) that this guy is begging to be humiliated in.  No worries, my friend, there is plenty of humiliation to go around (oh, wait, that’s the other guy).  The last part is also pretty good, mostly because he links to a clip of the longest 2 minutes of stand-up ever.  Seriously.  I give Charlie an 8, because he is either the heir to Andy Kauffman‘s legacy of stone-faced irony, or he’s got serious stones for posting such garbage.

Oh, wait, I still have to do the reigning Blog King, ChristWeb.  There is nothing particularly wrong with his third post,“Kerry claims victory in NH Primary", except that he didn’t actually write it.  The spelling is ok, the format is nice enough, there are no embarassing photos, but that is not surprising, since all the King did was cut and paste the words of CNN.com producer Sean Loughlin.  This post gets 0 points because it is plagiarism, and minus one more for not including anything else: you didn’t write it, you didn’t tell us what you think about it, so what’s the point of posting it?  Total score: -1.

Now, back to the first two guys.  Since neither has posted anything new, I’m just going to look at the topmost post.  At Cranial Cavity, that would be “A Wife’s Free Speech Is Threatened”, a post that may be even more imbecilic than I think, as I stopped reading after the third spelling error in the first sentence.  And do you really need a freakin’ masthead after each post?  2.

Last and least, this guy, who, if his topmost post is any indication, is writing a mildly amusing liberal blog based on the tired conceit of satirizing boneheaded conservatives.  However, it is too over the top, with lines like “more students identify themselves as conservatives because liberals abort their children” and “Liberals on college campuses tend to be closed minded, smelly, and irrational”.  I mean, what kind of ignorant, closeted, repressed, pathetic loser would write such crap?  0.

* Actually, this one at Musings from Brian J. Noggle is pretty good.