Where feminine hygiene is no laughing matter ...Rick's Cafe Americain

My roommate from law school is from Texas so, as is typical of Texans with means, his parents have a second home in a Colorado ski town. It is beautiful. A log cabin home that should be on a postcard. It sits in an semi-isolated development nestled in a forest of aspens. The rooms are large, the flow is well thought out, the insulation perfect. There is a home theater system with a large plasma flat-screen TV and surroundsound. It is only 10 miles from the mountain. And it has a table large enough to accomodate an 11 person game of hold ‘em.

I took charge of the game and acted as the dealer. This seemed like the right thing to do since I had to explain how “blinds” and “the button” worked to most of the table. No worries; these guys were all sharp and I didn’t have to explain anything more than once. The only concept they never really seemed to understand was “to call a bluff, you probably need an actual hand yourself.” The highlight of the night for me was when one player, holding pocket fours, called an all-in bet on a board of K-J-8-6-5 ... and won the hand from a player holding A7. I knew he was bluffing!, claimed the caller, apparently not aware that bluffing in that scenario easily could have meant, say, Q5. It was a pretty soft table but I couldn’t really take advantage of it.

I tried. I reviewed the cards at showdown forlornly. Almost all of the pots were limped and I repeatedly had to stare at my cards in the muck as I watched two pair come on the flop or a straight come on a cheaply-seen turn. I watched Brother of Ugarte dominate the table as he saw most flops and got handsomely paid when he connected. Once in a pot, these fellows were tough to chase out. Still, I played my usual tight game to my own detriment. Once a scorpion, always a scorpion, I guess. I finished the first day up $12 (on a $10 buy-in). I finished the second day up an additional $7. It could have been so much more; Brother of Ugarte turned his first $10 into an astonishing $80.

When I returned to New York I saw that there was a blogger tournament coming up on Poker Stars so I fired up Stars to check my balance. $4.13. Not enough to play a single SNG. I suddenly remembered why I hadn’t played at Stars in so long. So I sat down at a .02/.04 limit table just to screw around. After winning 10 big bets on the first hand I played, I proceeded to turn my $2 buyin to $1.46 in no time at all. What the hell happened to my limit game? I know that microlimit tables are sort of a joke because nobody folds, but that is why I should be killing the table. Somehow the joke ended up on me because I wasn’t folding either. Can’t do that anymore. It cripples the confidence without imparting any worthwhile lessons. “Stop being a sucker” is more of a life lesson than a poker lesson and I don’t need life lessons from a poker table with a $2 buyin. Anyway, I’ve reloaded the account and I’ll see you suckers on February 2.

On Wednesday I played a lot of poker. After a good 10 minute set at Otto’s Shrunken Head, I headed over to A.M. for the weekly tournament. Prior to the tournament, I received the following message from asphnxma: Happy Birthday, dickhead! I’ll let you steal my blinds ONCE tomorrow night in celebration. So I had that goin’ for me, which was nice. Unfortunately I spent my entire (brief) stay in the tournament on Nixma’s left. So he kept stealing my blinds. Happy fucking birthday to me.

I didn’t play poorly, but I didn’t play well either. In any event, nothing worked out. There were only 12 players willing to brave the bone-chilling cold, so we started six-handed at two tables. When the action came to me (at 25/50) with a raise to 150 from the notoriously aggresive Chief, I reraised to 400. I figured Chief for a baby ace, so when he called and caught an A on the flop, I got away from the hand. I knew a reraise wouldn’t do any good here. He had me figured for pocket paint and was disappointed to get nothing after the flop.

He got me again later when he played 5♦ 3♦ in a limped pot and caught two pair on the turn. I was forced to bet my A♣8♣ when I saw a flop of A♠-3♠-2♦ and got nervous when Chief check-called. His penchant for playing baby aces is well known and I was worried that I was looking at 2 pair already. I foolishly called his underbet on the turn (a 5, giving him the 2 pair I was already worried that he had). He checked the river and I got away without investing any more money, but it wasn’t my greatest play. A bet on the river (Q) may have won me the hand, but I played scared and lost.

My tournament ended sadly when, with only 625 of my starting 2000 remaining, I pushed A2s from the big blind (at 50/100). Nixma, who had limped from the small blind, said Happy Birthday. This is a loose call. And exposed A3s! Jerk. An ace on the flop meant we would almost certainly chop ... unless I get my three on the river ... and there it is. Thanks again for the birthday present, Nix. Remind me to give you a steaming turd at your next natal day.

I stuck around to play .25/.50 NL ring with Tiger, the late-arriving Moug, Finkelstein (the host of my R Bar shows) and Jay. This was a great home game simulation because we were laughing a lot and tossing chips around. The play was smart without being serious. Two hands and I’ll be on my way.

JJ in the big blind. Tiger raised from the cutoff to $1.50 and Moug and I called. The flop was J-7-6. I bet $2; Tiger called, but Moug folded. The turn was another 6. I think I raised Tiger and he folded. For some reason I showed my jacks. Moug breathed a huge sigh of relief and showed his 76s You would have had my stack! He would have been happy to go home with that thought, but Tiger went rabbit hunting and turned over the case six on the now-hypothetical river. I think Moug is still crying.

On the last hand of the night, I was dealt K♦7♦ in the big blind. Tiger and Moug called blind because it was the last hand of the night. The flop was A♦-J-x and the action checked to Tiger, who fired $1.50 into the pot.

Moug: Are you still playing blind?
Tiger: Yes.
Ugarte: Fuck it. I’ll call against a random hand.

After I checked the turn (another diamond), Tiger looked at his cards. When I asked why he was looking at his cards now, he admitted that he had looked after the flop. In his defense, he believed that he had so obviously looked at his hand that he thought Moug’s question was a joke. He offered to let me take back my bet. When I declined he checked back to me. And let me catch the nut flush on the river. I actually didn’t remember if I had diamonds or hearts, so I checked my hand and bet $2. I decided not to push him because I didn’t want to take his stack after he checked the turn out of guilt. He called with AQ. As a result of that last hand, I finished with $20.25 and a net profit of two bits.

Actually, the best part of the ring game was listening to Nixma try to explain why a player had just won a substanital pot had played the hand poorly. He was getting increasingly frustrated as his analysis - impeccable as always - was met with the last refuge of the stooge: I won the hand, didn’t I? I hope he writes it up, because it was hilarious to listen to, even though I am sure his blood was boiling for a lot of the trip home.

Unwilling to end my poker night on such an unprofitable note, I loaded up Poker Stars and played a couple of $5+.50 SNGs. (By the way, this is a huge advantage over Party where the juice on the $5 SNGs is $1.) I finished in 5th in the first one but won the second after an amazing run of all-ins in the space of 27 hands:

22 beat rrider45’s A9s (up to 2915)
AQo lost to rrider45’s QTs (back to 1225)
KQo steals blinds (up to 1725)
A8o beat JAMT’s J8s (2950)
AJs beat rrider45’s A3s (3980)
AJs beat JAMT’s JTs (6840)
K6o beat jsuds’s check-call with A4o after I pushed a flop of K-5-4 (11420)

After I got heads up with EZEZEZ with a 5:1 chip lead, it was easy. EZEZEZ is possibly the worst heads-up player I’ve ever seen. I just raised preflop every time and slowly bled him away. He won one all in when I raised him all-in with a draw that didn’t come, but I stole his blinds back to his former level and when he finally decided to call another big bet, it was after I had turned the nut straight after he made a minimum bet with top pair on the flop. So I am up on my most recent deposit at Poker Stars. Bully for me.