Where feminine hygiene is no laughing matter ...Rick's Cafe Americain

So . . . is Mike McDermott (Matt Damon) gay?  Let’s examine the evidence.  First, we never see him get it on with Gretchen Mol.  Now, admittedly, she appears to be a high maintenance, controlling, “I take law school way to seriously” type.  But still, she’s kind of cute.  Sure, there is a scene where Mike kind of indicates that he wants some action, but he doesn’t try very hard.  And remember that line about the first time he has felt alive since he got cracked was sitting at a poker table?  She sure thought it meant something – and it wasn’t that she was making the earth move for him.  Then, after Gretchen Mol moves out, Famke Jenssen shows up in a short skirt, collects a $1000 from Matt and then makes her intentions quite clear.  Matt turns her down cold.  Rick said “now that’s discipline.” No, discipline is laying down top two pair when you know you are drawing against a straight.  Turning down a roll with Famke Jenssen after your girlfriend leaves you is a sign of something else.  Finally, at the end of the movie, Mike gets a little too excited over Teddy KGB’s butt fucking taunting. Verdict – playing for the other team.

Will Mike get cracked in Vegas?  Again, let’s examine the evidence.  First, Mike decides he “belongs” because he bluffed Johnny Chan out of a hand at a $300/600 table and then ran away with his winnings.  Well whoop de damn doo!  Johnny Chan is a world champion.  He sits down at a high stakes table where a bunch of rich guys are happy to lose money to him to say they played with Johnny Chan.  But there is this guy at the other end of the table, with a look of a poker player, who sits there for an hour not playing a hand.  Then this guy raises Johnny and confidently re-raises after Johnny bets back in to him.  Johnny knows what’s going on, either this guy has been sitting there for an hour waiting for a monster hand, finally got it and is looking to get paid; or he has been sitting there for an hour waiting for a monster hand, hasn’t gotten it, but is willing to say fuck it and see if he can try and bluff Johnny Chan.  You know why Johnny Chan is a world champion?  Because he is not going to get into a pissing contest to find out.  Congratulations Mike.  You are good enough that a world champion cannot get a complete read on you and see right through you after you have been sitting at a table for an hour not playing hands.  Yeah, you belong.

Second, let’s look at Mike’s first loss to Teddy KGB.  First, you are simply a dimwit, even if your name is Stu Unger, if you buy into a no limit game with your entire stake.  No matter how good you are, you have to be able to ride the swings.  Hard to do if you put your entire stake on the line (unless you only go all in with the stone cold nuts, which would limit your play a fair bit, especially when the pros figure out that is what you are doing).  Second, Mike thought he was setting a trap with the second best possible hand and got fucked because KGB happened to have the best possible hand and Mike inadvertently played right into it.  Is that a sign that you don’t know what you are doing?  No.  Unless, of course, you have risked your entire stake on one sitting of no limit and now you just lost it.  Mike’s crisis of doubt over his play (rather than stupidly risking all of his High Society) indicates he may not be able to handle swings all that well.

Now let’s consider the film’s climatic ending.  Has Mike learned anything?  No.  A little taunting by KGB and Mike is on tilt ready to risk everything after he already saved his ass.  So he figures out how to crack KGB.  Well whoop de damn doo!  KGB has all the markings of a bully who is pretty damn good, but he’s not ready for prime time.  Think KGB would let Johnny Chan into his establishment?  Hell no!  His tell was fucking obvious and what the hell was that play at the end?!?  Ok, flop comes with a possible straight.  Guy checks, you bet, he calls.  You put him on a draw.  Turn card comes, no help.  He checks, you bet the pot, he calls.  River card, no help.  He checks.  You bet the pot?!?  Why the fuck would you do that?  If you were correct and he was on a draw, he folds and you only get what was in the pot (same as if you checked, assuming you actually had something).  And if he was slow playing you the whole way?  You get fucked in the ass, nice and slow.  Only way KGB’s final bet makes sense is if he was bluffing the whole way, or only had a pair and was worried that Mike was not on a draw but had low two pair or something.  In which case he is still probably fucked because if Mike was just calling with two pair the whole way, thinking you were bluffing, why would he fold now?  Also, Ugarte pointed out to me that the KGB’s reference to “check, check, check” may have implied that Mike had been setting KGB up by checking and calling hands to the river all night, only to fold.  Two problems with that theory though.  One, Mike probably didn’t have enough money to do that.  Two, you are still a stupid ass if you bet all in there, because sooner or later he’ll actually be doing that with something and call you for all your money.

Finally, how does the movie end?  Mike is on his way to Vegas dreaming of winning the World Series of poker.  Verdict – Mike is going to get cracked.  He could probably grind out a good living in Vegas, but he is going to shoot for the moon and get his ass handed to him by the real pros.

Back to KGB.  He probably still made money losing to Mike, because the word is going to get around and players not as good as Mike will probably come gamble with him, thinking they can crack him to. 

Finally, why was Grandma (billed simply as Russian Thug on IMDB) so pissed that Mike lost?  He gets his money either way – actually, he probably doesn’t, because if Mike loses then he gets bupkis (depending on what his arrangement with KGB was).  Ugarte thinks he just wanted to break some more heads.  Maybe.

So . . . is Mike McDermott (Matt Damon) gay?  Let’s examine the evidence.  First, we never see him get it on with Gretchen Mol.  Now, admittedly, she appears to be a high maintenance, controlling, “I take law school way to seriously” type.  But still, she’s kind of cute.  Sure, there is a scene where Mike kind of indicates that he wants some action, but he doesn’t try very hard.  And remember that line about the first time he has felt alive since he got cracked was sitting at a poker table?  She sure thought it meant something – and it wasn’t that she was making the earth move for him.  Then, after Gretchen Mol moves out, Famke Jenssen shows up in a short skirt, collects a $1000 from Matt and then makes her intentions quite clear.  Matt turns her down cold.  Rick said “now that’s discipline.” No, discipline is laying down top two pair when you know you are drawing against a straight.  Turning down a roll with Famke Jenssen after your girlfriend leaves you is a sign of something else.  Finally, at the end of the movie, Mike gets a little too excited over Teddy KGB’s butt fucking taunting. Verdict – playing for the other team.

Will Mike get cracked in Vegas?  Again, let’s examine the evidence.  First, Mike decides he “belongs” because he bluffed Johnny Chan out of a hand at a $300/600 table and then ran away with his winnings.  Well whoop de damn doo!  Johnny Chan is a world champion.  He sits down at a high stakes table where a bunch of rich guys are happy to lose money to him to say they played with Johnny Chan.  But there is this guy at the other end of the table, with a look of a poker player, who sits there for an hour not playing a hand.  Then this guy raises Johnny and confidently re-raises after Johnny bets back in to him.  Johnny knows what’s going on, either this guy has been sitting there for an hour waiting for a monster hand, finally got it and is looking to get paid; or he has been sitting there for an hour waiting for a monster hand, hasn’t gotten it, but is willing to say fuck it and see if he can try and bluff Johnny Chan.  You know why Johnny Chan is a world champion?  Because he is not going to get into a pissing contest to find out.  Congratulations Mike.  You are good enough that a world champion cannot get a complete read on you and see right through you after you have been sitting at a table for an hour not playing hands.  Yeah, you belong.

Second, let’s look at Mike’s first loss to Teddy KGB.  First, you are simply a dimwit, even if your name is Stu Unger, if you buy into a no limit game with your entire stake.  No matter how good you are, you have to be able to ride the swings.  Hard to do if you put your entire stake on the line (unless you only go all in with the stone cold nuts, which would limit your play a fair bit, especially when the pros figure out that is what you are doing).  Second, Mike thought he was setting a trap with the second best possible hand and got fucked because KGB happened to have the best possible hand and Mike inadvertently played right into it.  Is that a sign that you don’t know what you are doing?  No.  Unless, of course, you have risked your entire stake on one sitting of no limit and now you just lost it.  Mike’s crisis of doubt over his play (rather than stupidly risking all of his High Society) indicates he may not be able to handle swings all that well.

Now let’s consider the film’s climatic ending.  Has Mike learned anything?  No.  A little taunting by KGB and Mike is on tilt ready to risk everything after he already saved his ass.  So he figures out how to crack KGB.  Well whoop de damn doo!  KGB has all the markings of a bully who is pretty damn good, but he’s not ready for prime time.  Think KGB would let Johnny Chan into his establishment?  Hell no!  His tell was fucking obvious and what the hell was that play at the end?!?  Ok, flop comes with a possible straight.  Guy checks, you bet, he calls.  You put him on a draw.  Turn card comes, no help.  He checks, you bet the pot, he calls.  River card, no help.  He checks.  You bet the pot?!?  Why the fuck would you do that?  If you were correct and he was on a draw, he folds and you only get what was in the pot (same as if you checked, assuming you actually had something).  And if he was slow playing you the whole way?  You get fucked in the ass, nice and slow.  Only way KGB’s final bet makes sense is if he was bluffing the whole way, or only had a pair and was worried that Mike was not on a draw but had low two pair or something.  In which case he is still probably fucked because if Mike was just calling with two pair the whole way, thinking you were bluffing, why would he fold now?  Also, Ugarte pointed out to me that the KGB’s reference to “check, check, check” may have implied that Mike had been setting KGB up by checking and calling hands to the river all night, only to fold.  Two problems with that theory though.  One, Mike probably didn’t have enough money to do that.  Two, you are still a stupid ass if you bet all in there, because sooner or later he’ll actually be doing that with something and call you for all your money.

Finally, how does the movie end?  Mike is on his way to Vegas dreaming of winning the World Series of poker.  Verdict – Mike is going to get cracked.  He could probably grind out a good living in Vegas, but he is going to shoot for the moon and get his ass handed to him by the real pros.

Back to KGB.  He probably still made money losing to Mike, because the word is going to get around and players not as good as Mike will probably come gamble with him, thinking they can crack him to. 

Finally, why was Grandma (billed simply as Russian Thug on IMDB) so pissed that Mike lost?  He gets his money either way – actually, he probably doesn’t, because if Mike loses then he gets bupkis (depending on what his arrangement with KGB was).  Ugarte thinks he just wanted to break some more heads.  Maybe.