Where things can get pretty igry ...Rick's Cafe Americain

Hey, could UPS sue that guy?

Last year, standing-room-only crowds attended Easter Mass at the Cathedral of St. Augustine in this comfortable suburb of West Palm Beach.  This year, father John O’Toole is concerned that his Easter homily will be heard by only a few.  “Easter Mass is always very well attended.  This year we have more parishioners than ever, but I know many of my flock will not be in Church this Easter,” said O’Toole.

Here, as in many small and large towns throughout the country, Catholics inspired by Mel Gibson’s blockbuster hit “The Passion” are planning to attend screenings of that film in lieu of mass.  “Church is boring,” admits Sean Liston, 15, a freshman at St. Andrew’s Preparatory School.  “I’d much rather go see ["The Passion"], which shows how all that biblical stuff really happened.  I never knew it was so awesome back then.  I wish I had been a Roman—I wouldn’t have let the Jews kill Christ!”

But “The Passion” is not just for young or newly-minted Catholics.  Gertie Karasznek, who has faithfully attended Easter Mass at St. Augustine’s for the last 37 years, says she will probably go with her friends to see a special Easter screening of The Passion at the Golden Glades Mall Optiplex this Sunday.  “I’ve heard everything Father O’Leary has to say.  In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s used the same sermon more than once in the last few decades.  This year, I’m going to reconnect with my faith by experiencing the passion of our Lord as it was meant to be: in THX surround sound with stadium seating.”

Gibson’s graphic portrayal of the final moments of Jesus Christ has also captivated a generation of Catholics who have become disillusioned with the Church in recent years.  Many who felt alienated or discouraged by the massive pedophilia scandal that has come to a head over the past two years say they have found comfort and faith again in Gibson’s bloody filmic depiction of the crucifiction.

Tony Bartolino, a refrigerator salesman in Boca Raton, says he trusts Gibson more than he trusts the Church.  “The Church has lost a lot of credibility with a lot of people lately.  I mean, with the Church hiding and protecting those sick child-abusing priests, and you look at the Pope, I mean, the guy is so old and out of touch—he couldn’t even keep his story straight about whether he saw the Passion.” Early promotional materials for “The Passion” claimed that the Pope had endorsed the film.  The Vatican later issued a statement saying that the Pope had no comment on the film.

“Gibson’s message is more timely, more honest than the Church’s message,” opined Dr. John Farfenhauser, professor of Religion and Film Studies at Florida Atlantic University.  “People are tired of hearing boring, hypocritical sermons about tolerance and peace and love.  In the post-9/11 world, these “postmodern” concepts have little relevance.  Catholics, like most Americans, are recognizing the need to return to fundamentals: to see things in terms of good and evil, black and white.” Farfenhauser added, “as for that last, I think the casting of Jim Caviezel—a white man, conclusively ends that debate.”

Officials at the Catholic Church admit that there is a problem.  “Attendance is down.  Even as “The Passion” stands poised to become the biggest box-office success ever, the Catholic Church faces a potentially huge loss of income.  Easter is, let’s face it, one of our biggest revenue generators since tithing,” said a cardinal who asked not to be mentioned by name.  But the Church has also been quick to respond.  Although most churches are not equipped to screen films, many are not content to wait for the DVD release. 

Father Egan O’Regan of the Most Holy Feminine Church of St. Paulie is one of many church leaders who has enlisted the help of local talent to put on live performances of “The Passion” at his church, starting on Good Friday.  “It’s kind of like Rocky Horror, but without the gay stuff, and its about Jesus,” said O’Regan, referring to “the Rocky Horror Picture Show”, a cult film whose screenings are often acompanied by performances from live actors.  “We’ve gotten tons of volunteers to play the Romans,” added O’Regan, “but nobody wants to play the Jews.  We’ve been talking about asking Rabbi Solomon from Temple Beth-El to help us out, but I don’t think those people can work on Friday, so we’ll probably have to convince some of our Italian parishioners to do it.”

Other pastors are adjusting their message to match the “Gospel according to Gibson”.  72% of priests surveyed by the Pew foundation said their Easter homilies would focus on the responsibility of the Jews for the death of Christ, and 98% said they would mention it.  Several churches in the South Florida region have also begun providing parishioners with leather-bound volumes of official screenplay of The Passion, in addition to the more traditional bibles and hymnals. 

These screenplays, available from the The Passion Gift Shop at http://www.sharethepassionofthechrist.com, contain both translations and transliterations from the Aramaic, Hebrew and Latin texts.  Professor Farfenhauser, a leading Passion scholar, says FAU is planning to offer a year-long course on that text and the scholarly interpretations thereof.  “Film makers are the history teachers of our culture—and Mel Gibson’s movie, “The Passion of the Christ,” teaches us about history’s most important event. The impact of this movie will be immeasurable,” said Mark Mittelberg, author of “Building a Contagious Church”.

Perhaps the clearest sign of change in the Catholic Church can be found on the bulletin board of Our Lady of the Perpetual Nausea, one of the oldest Catholic churches in Florida, which has for the past 45 years contained the same message in stick-on letters above the Church schedule: “Love your Neighbor”.  This week, that message was replaced with the following text: “See the Passion”.

According to the Times, “another administration official cautioned that the proposal could be broad and open-ended, more in the nature of ‘a mission statement’ rather than a detailed road map and schedule.”

However, sources close to the President say there is credible evidence that Osama bin Laden may be or may recently have been hiding out in or near the Sea of Tranquility, and that recent images from the Spirit Rover suggest that Mars may be hiding weapons of mass destruction.

Secretary of State Colin Powell is expected to appear before the UN next week to demonstrate how images like the one below indicate that Mars is engaged in a systematic effort to “cleanse” WMD sites by moving them before the Rover has a chance to inspect them.

The nefarious Greenpeace, a group whose name is a mocking hypocrisy, and who has been striking fear into the hearts of peaceful industrialists for generations, is apparently no longer satisfied with its rogue mission to “save our planet”. Yes, Green“peace” has finally shed it’s dark cloak of lies and revealed it’s true identity: nothing more than a band of heartless pirates. This may come as no surprise to those of us who have been forced to sail the dark waters with eyes on our backs and guns on our hips, but to those land-lovers who have been too long fooled by Greenpeace’s colossal propaganda machine, welcome to the battle at last, I say our very existence may be at stake now that desperation has led them to reveal their true identity. Luckily, we, who in the shadows have been fighting the battle between good and evil for years may finally count on the governments support. The Justice Department has bravely charged the Green Menace with “sailor mongering,” the noble 1872 antipiracy law. If successful the evil empire will finally be recognized as the criminal organization they are and lose their tax-exempt status as well as be forced to report their trecharous movements to the Justice Department.

Do not rejoice yet my friends. The real battle has just begun and Greenpeace’s reach runs deep, deep indeed. You may hear some at all levels of our own government who have already been corrupted by the “GREEN”. They will bastardize our Country’s noble tenets of freedom and justice, twisting our Constitution till it’s torn and tattered, destroying it while supposedly defending it. They will claim this law-suit a “capricious exaction of revenge so typical of this sophomoric administration who repeatedly warps our constitutional rights in order to attack its detractors while hiding behind the false pretense of ‘national security’” Beware their honey tipped tongues, for does the Devil not also have such a tongue to mask the taste of his poison? But enough with words, the time for action has come. My boat awaits, and the battle is near, stand tall and be seen you who count yourself men, and the tyrrany of Greenpeace shall end.

The nefarious Greenpeace, a group whose name is a mocking hypocrisy, and who has been striking fear into the hearts of peaceful industrialists for generations, is apparently no longer satisfied with its rogue mission to “save our planet”. Yes, Green“peace” has finally shed it’s dark cloak of lies and revealed it’s true identity: nothing more than a band of heartless pirates. This may come as no surprise to those of us who have been forced to sail the dark waters with eyes on our backs and guns on our hips, but to those land-lovers who have been too long fooled by Greenpeace’s colossal propaganda machine, welcome to the battle at last, I say our very existence may be at stake now that desperation has led them to reveal their true identity. Luckily, we, who in the shadows have been fighting the battle between good and evil for years may finally count on the governments support. The Justice Department has bravely charged the Green Menace with “sailor mongering,” the noble 1872 antipiracy law. If successful the evil empire will finally be recognized as the criminal organization they are and lose their tax-exempt status as well as be forced to report their trecharous movements to the Justice Department.

Do not rejoice yet my friends. The real battle has just begun and Greenpeace’s reach runs deep, deep indeed. You may hear some at all levels of our own government who have already been corrupted by the “GREEN”. They will bastardize our Country’s noble tenets of freedom and justice, twisting our Constitution till it’s torn and tattered, destroying it while supposedly defending it. They will claim this law-suit a “capricious exaction of revenge so typical of this sophomoric administration who repeatedly warps our constitutional rights in order to attack its detractors while hiding behind the false pretense of ‘national security’” Beware their honey tipped tongues, for does the Devil not also have such a tongue to mask the taste of his poison? But enough with words, the time for action has come. My boat awaits, and the battle is near, stand tall and be seen you who count yourself men, and the tyrrany of Greenpeace shall end.