On March 16, 2003, just days before the Iraqi invasion, Vice President Dick Cheney said on Meet the Press, “I really do believe we will be greeted as liberators.” He wasn’t the only one with such optimism. Paul Wolfowitz, Assistant Secretary of Defense, believed it too: “Like the people of France in the 1940s, the Iraqi people view us as their hoped for liberators.”
But now, over a year and a half after the invasion of Iraq, some left-wing partisans are starting to question whether the Administration really knew what it was getting us into.
“It’s ridiculous what the Kerry campaign is willing to stoop to as the election draws near,” said Bush campaign spokesperson Karl Rove. “I mean these wild accusations, this laughable innuendo, saying there were no weapons of mass destruction, Saddam wasn’t involved in 9/11, its ridiculous. The American people know what is really at issue here and that is the safety of America in a post-9/11 world. And anyone can see that by forcing the terrorists to kill our servicemen and civilian contractors in Iraq, we are preventing them from causing harm to Americans here at home.”
Indeed, if Kerry and his surrogates are to be believed, the Administration would have to live in some sort of alternate universe, such as those about which Philip K. Dick used to write. Vice President Dick Cheney, for example, certainly has not backed of his initial assessment of the liberation of Iraq. The Vice President appeared on Diane Sawyer’s ABC program just this week, and told her that, “to a man”, the Iraqis he had met were “grateful” for the invasion.
“Kerry is delusional. Does he really think there is some conspiracy that reaches to the highest levels of government, the purpose of which is to deceive the American people about Iraq?” asked press secretary Scott McClelland. “That’s the sort of crackpot stuff you’d expect from Ralph Nader, but the Senator should know better—would know better if he had set foot in the Senate more than twice since he became a Senator. Seriously, not only would this ‘conspiracy’ have to extend throughout the executive branch, but it would have to involve our civilian contractor—er, contractors— in Iraq, and the Iraqi people themselves!.”
“They love us over there,” he added. When asked about the many casualties resulting from insurgents fighting American occupiers, McClelland was quick to condemn the media. “Sure, that’s all you see on TV every day, is the car bombs and the beheading, and the fighting and the killing of innocents. What you don’t see, is that a significant percentage of the members of the new Iraqi police force still have all four limbs. And women, who were horribly oppressed under the Baathist regime, are allowed to walk freely in the streets, work, and even vote, if and when it is safe to do those things.”
Recent stories about 380 missing tons of explosives and the failure to kill Abu Musab Zarqawi, a violent terrorist who now has pledged his allegiance to Osama bin Laden, however, have only fueled the Kerry team. “Not only did George Bush outsource the job when he could have killed Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan,” said Kerry at a campaign speech in Bumbledork, Ohio this morning, “but now we have learned that he also chose not to capture or kill Zarqawi, a madman who has become as powerful and dangerous to the U.S. as bin Laden himself, as a direct result of Bush’s decision to rush to war. John Edwards and I have a plan for Iraq, and I can tell you it does not include letting dangerous terrorists run free in a candy store of unsecured weaponry.”
The President was quick to respond. “John Kerry’s record speaks for itself. He says we rushed to war, but he voted for that war. He says I didn’t catch Osama, but now he says I didn’t catch Zarqawi. Which is it, senator? bin Laden or Zarqawi? Heh-heh.” The President went on to remind those who had signed the loyalty oath required to attend his campaign speech in Deception, OR, that Iraqi Interim Prime Minister Ayad Allawi came to the United States last month to thank the President for his “courage” in going to war against Saddam Hussein.
Allawi spoke at a press conference with the President while he was here, criticizing the media’s coverage of Iraq. “So, really, the winning, it’s unfortunate, is not being portrayed in the media. This is very unfortunate. I always say that we are welcoming any media who wants to come to Iraq and see for themselves the grounds we are covering and the winning we are doing in Iraq.”
Now, however, Kerry loyalists are trying to use the Prime Minister’s own words against him. In a weekly address to the Iraqi people yesterday, Allawi reportedly said that “a terrible crime was committed in which a large number of the ING were martyred. We think this shows, in addition to gross negligence on the side of some of the multinational forces, it shows the kind of insistence to hurt Iraq and its people.” Many in the Kerry camp are calling this an indictment of Coalition Forces.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld had this to say: “Oh, come on, this talk of martyrs, martyrs, what is that? This is war. War is messy. Freedom is messy. Liberation is messy. Al Qaqaa is messy. You can’t expect us to keep the Iraqis alive when American troops are dying, can you? Can you? Tommy, can you hear me? Besides, everyone knows Allawi is just a lying puppet. He can be removed. He will be removed. We’ll find someone else, someone who can maintain order. Maybe Saddam. Yeah, Saddam, that’s the ticket! What!? Who said that?!?!?” The Secretary of Defense then curled up in to the fetal position and began pulling his own hair out.
Others have sought to clarify what Allawi meant. “Poppycock,” exclaimed Karl Rove, stroking a long-haired white cat. “Kerry is just twisting the Prime Minister’s words. When Allawi refers to the ‘insistence’ of “multinational forces’ to ‘hurt Iraq and its people’, he clearly is talking about al Qaeda and the evil terrorists that we have joined with the liberated Iraqi people to fight.” And, um, when he talks about “gross negligence,” he is referring to the gross negligence of freedom, the sweet, powerful nectar of victory over tyranny that can only be found in the pure, steadfast determination of a president willing to engage the terrorists with every weapon available, including gross negligence. The American people understand that, even if Senator Kerry doesn’t.”
Mr. Rove then said Senator Kerry should apologize to the President and to the American people for the “reprehensible campaign tactic” of using current events in Iraq to question the President’s judgment and fitness as Commander in Chief.
“Iraqi Citizens for Truth”, a 527 group with ties to Tom DeLay, has aired a video calling Allawi a “compulsive liar” and a “homosexual”. The ad also features footage of interviews with various people purporting to be Allawi’s psychiatrist, his drug dealer, his prison “bitch”, and his baby mama.
While many Kerry supporters are gleefully perpetrating the current media frenzy, President Bush and Vice President Cheney remain sanguinary [sic] about the election. “The American people will welcome us as liberators,” said Cheney, speaking from an undisclosed location early this morning. “On January 20, 2005, they will throw roses at a re-elected President Bush.”
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