Where feminine hygiene is no laughing matter ...Rick's Cafe Americain

I can’t stop laughing at West Virginia’s NIT championship T-shirts. I can’t wait for next year’s promotional materials. “Long considered one of the nation’s top colliges...”

I just got an email from MLB.com with the subject line “Watch the Civil Rights Game LIVE on ESPN.”

I don’t know that I’ll watch, but I think we’d better root for the North.

I read that there was an asassination attempt on Dick Cheney in Afghanistan yesterday. People made a big deal of it and I had a vision of shrapnel and glass flying and Secret Service agents and MPs throwing a kevlar blanket over him and hustling him to safety. Then I read today’s paper.

What kind of lame-ass assassination attempt was this? They were a mile away from the Veep.

I don’t know what the VP does in Afghanistan but we don’t usually make ours work at the security gate checking ID. Even if he would do less harm to the country that way.

Congratulations, 2006 T*o*u*r* d*e* F*r*a*n*c*e* C*h*a*m*p*i*o*n**** Floyd Landis!

THIS JUST IN: Justice Scalia’s daughter busted for DUI.

Who knows if he’ll get 4 justices to agree with him, but Nino just asked his clerks to draft a memo proving that drunk driving restrictions are unconstitutional. Despite his vote here.

Via The Smoking Gun

News Corp (ie, Fox) now owns MySpace, so it isn’t surprising that they wouldn’t allow this ad:

Of course, that only proves Common Cause‘s point.

Hat tip to the ACME mailing list

Once again, from AP: High School Coach arrested for being hilarious

A student in documents said Burr would ask them, “What is the capital of Thailand?” When they would answer “Bangkok,” he would hit them in the groin.... One student estimated some of the players were hit in the groin 30-40 times.

At what point is it the student’s fault for not catching on to the joke? I mean, punch me in the dick once, shame on you. Punch me in the dick 30 times, ...

From the Associated Press:

Court drops Kurd charges against Saddam

George Bush immediately blamed liberals who are soft on terror.

I have long been a New Orleans Saints fan even though I grew up in Queens - serious Jets territory with some Giants thrown in on account of the Jets’ general awfulness. I vaguely remember Chuck Muncie, kinda remember George Rogers and, sadly, vividly remember Ricky Williams. I’ve even got a jersey. Along with a Norman Hand jersey. And a musical plush football that says “Who Dat!” when you throw it against the wall. Anyway.

I have cried over this team* and celebrated with this team.** Now people are picking them to go to the Super Bowl and it seems that the Saints are America’s Team .

I hate to say this but ... Fuck You America.

I don’t want the pity party. I don’t want the bullshit story lines about the post-Katrina emotion and I don’t want every Saints fumble to be turned into a kidney punch for some poor blind woman in the 9th Ward who has nothing left but a beat up transistor and the voice of Hokie Gajan to get her through her bleak days.

I love this team. I was thrilled when we (yes, “we,” asshole) signed Drew Brees and even more thrilled when the Texans decided to whiff on the easiest draft choice ever. When I was asked at the beginning of the year, I said that if the schedule breaks right, the Saints could win 10 or 11 games. It sounded crazy at the time but I knew that it was true (I also said that 4-12 was possible and I’m not at all sure that was wrong either (see week 15)). Now that it has come true, now that the Saints are 10-5, I’d like to enjoy the success of my favorite football team. They are not a metaphor. They aren’t a metaphor this year; they are winning with good players. They weren’t a metaphor last year; they lost becuase their QB was functionally retarded.

It is really tiresome to have to listen to all the crap about destiny and rebuilding and, most of all, Hurricane Katrina. The devastation wrought by the hurricane is too serious to be reduced to cheap motivation for a football game and football doesn’t have the necessary heft to bear the burden of Katrina.

Plus - this team doesn’t really merit the attention! They have an excellent offense. Between Brees. Bush, McAllister and a crew of fast WRs that no defensive unit in the league can cover straight up, the team can score points by the bushel. But the Redskins exposed them as very vulnerable to a high-pressure rush. The defense is average at best. Fred Thomas is a terrible cover man on deep routes and the middle of the DL is weak against the rush. They get scored on a lot. In the AFC this is a middle of the pack team. The bye says much more about the NFC than it does about the Saints.

That said, they are 10-5 and I have enjoyed the hell out of the season. I got to go to two games and discovered that Bar None, which is usually full of people I hate, becomes a Saints bar on game day and is temporarily full of people I love. So why does all of the coverage of this team sound like reporting at the Special Olympics?

It galls me to see the sports world give the New Orleans Saints and the city of New Orleans a sad pity fuck when we have earned a dirty passionate lay.

We couldn’t have done it without you.

A few weeks ago I wrote about an uncharacteristically political strip in the profoundly horrible Soup2Nutz for the Stay Free! blog. I didn’t expect to write about it again so soon, if ever. And yet, in yesterday’s cartoon retarded older brother Roy-boy is revealed to be a Pirates fan.

This news is nearly as bad as the trade for Shawn Chacon.

With the wars going on in Afghanistan, Iraq and Lebanon (not to mention the multiple border wars, tribal clashes and coups going on in Africa), the militaries of most of the world are stretched pretty thin. Fortunately Brazil has maintained a force that allows it to deal with real emergencies:

Brazil is staging a military operation involving a Hercules transport plane and Navy ships — all to return four dozen wayward penguins to the icy waters of Antarctica, authorities said Wednesday.

For the love of all that is holy, won’t anyone else think of the penguins?

I have two spots tonight and tight braids.

First, 7:30 at Pete’s Candy Store in Williamsburg (709 Lorimer St. between Richardson and Frost). Hosted by Jen Dziura and also featuring Lucas Held, Brad Aldous, Amanda Pettit, Ray Devito, and Shawn Hollenbach. Free show.

Second, 10 at Freddy’s in Prospect Heights (Dean St. & 6th Ave.) Hosted by Pat O’Shea and featuring whoever else he happens to bring in. Free show.

Tomorrow I will be performing at Drink at Work‘s Summer Tuesdays with Eric Andre, Nick Kroll, Jiwon Li, John F. O’Donnell, Jesse Popp and David Rees.

And yes, for two days only (maybe a couple more), Charles Star is rockin’ the tight cornrows. I am going to post a full panel of pictures in a Flickr set as a memorial. For the only pic online go to Clarified. (It should be up any minute… and it’s up!)

Finally, I shouldn’t have lashed out at this guy. He was only trying to help.

First of all, fuck this guy. Posting today has nothing to do with this. Seriously. I was going to go out of my way to not post anything for a week and yet…

I am not performing tonight but I will be watching some solid comedy if you want to come out. Both of these shows are weekly spots that I hope to perform on in the near future.

First, at 8PM at Rififi is The Greg Johnson show. It is the regular Friday show and I’ve been meaning to go for a while. The casting is a little over my head, but I think I might be able to sneak in as “the guy nobody has heard of” on a night with “a really famous guy” or perhaps a night “where the host is out of town and a substitute gets to host a week of whoisthats.”

Then, on to Sweet Paprika (I thought it was at 10. It is actually at 10:30. Fuck.) I’ve been meaning to go to this show for a while. Of the hosts, Ophira has seen me perform and likes me; Allison has not and therefore can not judge. Naturally, Allison books the show. Fortunately, my friend Baron has, along with Ophira, put in a good word for me so future prospects are good. Young comedians should know, however, that nobody who isn’t already somebody gets booked at a show in this town without engaging in the simple courtesy of showing up at a show on a week that you aren’t booked to support the room. A good practice, I think.

As much as this is important for my comedy career, it is all in the service of another opportunity to eat at chickpea, which I should just invest in already. Cheap and delicious. But maybe I’m just saying that because the Jews stick together.

See you later someplace?

Clara Jean Brown of Baldwin, Alabama was at home praying that her family would be safe from a storm raging outside. Alas,

... while she prayed, lightning suddenly exploded, blowing through the linoleum and leaving a blackened area on the concrete. Brown wound up on the floor, dazed and disoriented by the blast but otherwise uninjured.

She said ‘Amen’ and the room was engulfed in a huge ball of fire. The 65-year-old Brown said she is blessed to be alive.

Religion is a hell of a racket. God up and punched this woman in the face and she feels blessed by it. And to answer a science question: The power of prayer? Roughly 1,000,000,000 volts.

Hat tip to bOINGbOING.