Where Sam doesn't play anymore ...Rick's Cafe Americain

Let’s start at the beginning.  I get requests to tell the joke, but I uniformly refuse. I don’t tell it because it is a bad joke. It’s very badness is what made it become an insider improv piece among comedians: if it were a good joke, people wouldn’t so cavalierly screw around with it. But when the joke is told to civilians all that is left is the crap. The only real fun comes from telling the joke to (a) a person that has no idea what The Aristocrats is (and therefore hasn’t requested it) or (b) among a group of comedians hell bent on topping each other. Anything in between that and it is boring. The comedians are revelling in the telling during the movie because it is a combination of the scenarios. The comedians are threre to hear them tell it AND they get to shock Grandma when she gets dragged to the theater. Civilians who ask me to tell the joke don’t really want me to go on and on, but a short version is hardly worth the telling.

What about the movie? It is a great movie. The joke is picked almost to death, but manages to survive the experience (though, as I said, it isn’t a good joke to begin with). What some people do is truly magical. There are a few truly awful versions and a number of comics tell such cookie cutter scatology that they will be embarrassed at how lame they sound. Again, though, great movie and I’m glad I saw it. And yet…

At the end of the movie what I mostly felt was robbed. Robbed of an experience that I think I am on my way to earning. I had heard the joke before seeing the movie, but I had never heard the joke. I never got to watch a comedian launch into a spontaneous version, initiating me into the cult. I was never part of a clique that treated the joke like a talisman and link to comedy history. Instead, even though I’m a comic I had to experience the movie as a civilian. So fuck you, Penn Jilette and Paul Provenza for taking that from me.

But how upset should I be? The Aristocrats feels like someone else’s joke - someone from a prior era. All of the comedians in the movie have been performing since the 1980’s, so they didn’t really feel like peers. I was like a Little Leaguer listing to reminiscences about the Three Man Lift. Maybe I would feel differently if I had the good fortune to have been drinking at the Olive Tree with Colin Quinn and posse when someone launched into it (in fact, I’m sure I’d feel differently if that were the case), but that wasn’t to be.  I hope that my generation finds something new to bond over.

Since this movie killed The Aristocrats for us.

I’m glad movies like this get made.  There should be more of them.  Also, while the story is formulaic, it at least doesn’t completely follow the typical Hollywood, one-person, against all odds, sports movie formula, so that’s good.  But Million Dollar Baby does not come within spitting distance of movies like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the Incredibles or Spider-Man 2 (to stay within the Hollywood realm). 

I don’t know what it is critics have for Eastwood.  Mystic River (which was a better movie) was probably the most overhyped movie of last year by critics (and it was the same thing, great actors, good direction, uninspired, obvious, formulaic plot driven by performance rather than writing or depth).  Eastwood gets you to care about his characters and he picks great actors, all of which are comendable, but these movies are simply not best picture quality.

Eternal Sunshine tells the story of Joel Barrish’s (Jim Carey) decision to remove all memory of his ex-girlfriend (Kate Winslet), but a number of other stories creep in over the course of the movie.  It starts slowly and after about fifteen minutes I was worried that it was going to be a “smart” but boring movie.  However, showing a patience that is nearly non-existent in movies these days, the story slowly builds to a crescendo.  There are few wasted scenes and the peripheral characters become increasingly relevant, in an almost Dickensian fashion of interconnectedness, as the full story unfolds.  This is a very effective style of storytelling and I wish more movies employed it.  But, alas, it appears Hollywood does not think the modern moviegoer has such patience.

The acting is phenomenal.  Jim Carey is excellent and surprisingly effective playing a non-comedic, somewhat mousy character and Kate Winslet also delivers a strong performance as Clementine.  The supporting cast is also great, including Tom Wilkinson, a nerdy looking Mark Ruffalo, Elijah Wood (without any close-ups of his eyes) and Kirsten Dunst, who is excellent as always (and as an added bonus we get a scene with her in her skivvies jumping up and down on a bed – and it doesn’t even seem gratuitous).

The story is interesting, funny, sad, heart tugging and uplifting at various different times.  However, I did feel that there was more there that could have been mined, which is why Eternal Sunshine ultimately gets the (***½) rating rather than the elusive four stars.  Also, the final twist, while good, unfortunately also made the actual ending a little forced. 

We need more movies like this, but the marketing for Eternal Sunshine has been unimpressive.  I had no desire to see this movie after seeing the previews and didn’t change my mind until I learned it was written by Charlie Kaufman and saw its 92% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. While I do think a better job could have been done marketing Eternal Sunshine, it is an unfortunate reality that it is much easier to market a formulaic, overly simplistic piece of crap than a complex and original movie.  Eternal Sunshine is only on pace to make about $35 million.  I encourage everyone to vote with their feet and then spread the word – unless of course you only like formulaic crap. 

***½ A very good movie.  Doesn’t have quite the “oomph” to get four stars, but is highly recommended.  From 2003, Capturing the Friedmans would probably fall into this category.  Old movies would include Return of the Jedi, Indian Jones and the Last Crusade, Batman, Clerks, The Matrix, Black Hawk Down, Caddyshack.

*** A good movie; an enjoyable movie.  Recommended, but not a must see.  Lost in Translation, Master and Commander, Bad Santa, Elf, X-Men and X-2.

**½ A decent to good movie.  Could be the type of movie that has some strong, perhaps even very strong, points, but doesn’t sustain itself all the way through.  Probably worth seeing if the movie is your “type,” but probably not if it isn’t.  I’ll probably put a lot of movies into this category, since I tend to avoid movies that suck, but am not easily impressed.  21 Grams, Mystic River, The Dreamers, Big Fish, Finding Nemo, Last Samurai.

** An average movie.  It won’t be painful to watch, is moderately enjoyable and, in the right context, can be a good experience.  Decent formula movies go here.  Decent movies with something “original” get **½ stars.  Rounders, Pirates of the Caribbean, Matrix ReLoaded.

*½ A weak movie that does not offend.  Or possibly an ok movie that, nevertheless, sets back the movie making industry.  Demonlover, most Adam Sandler movies, The Mummy.  I have not seen it, but from what I have heard, I suspect the Passion falls here.

* A bad movie.  A movie you should stay away from.  Might have a few minutes of real drama or humor, but as a whole is garbage.  Matrix Revolutions.

½ A worthless piece of harmless crap lacking in redeeming qualities.  Any movie with Pauly Shore in it.

No Stars A worthless piece of crap that sets back the movie making industry and the pursuit of art.  Batman and Robin.

***½ A very good movie.  Doesn’t have quite the “oomph” to get four stars, but is highly recommended.  From 2003, Capturing the Friedmans would probably fall into this category.  Old movies would include Return of the Jedi, Indian Jones and the Last Crusade, Batman, Clerks, The Matrix, Black Hawk Down, Caddyshack.

*** A good movie; an enjoyable movie.  Recommended, but not a must see.  Lost in Translation, Master and Commander, Bad Santa, Elf, X-Men and X-2.

**½ A decent to good movie.  Could be the type of movie that has some strong, perhaps even very strong, points, but doesn’t sustain itself all the way through.  Probably worth seeing if the movie is your “type,” but probably not if it isn’t.  I’ll probably put a lot of movies into this category, since I tend to avoid movies that suck, but am not easily impressed.  21 Grams, Mystic River, The Dreamers, Big Fish, Finding Nemo, Last Samurai.

** An average movie.  It won’t be painful to watch, is moderately enjoyable and, in the right context, can be a good experience.  Decent formula movies go here.  Decent movies with something “original” get **½ stars.  Rounders, Pirates of the Caribbean, Matrix ReLoaded.

*½ A weak movie that does not offend.  Or possibly an ok movie that, nevertheless, sets back the movie making industry.  Demonlover, most Adam Sandler movies, The Mummy.  I have not seen it, but from what I have heard, I suspect the Passion falls here.

* A bad movie.  A movie you should stay away from.  Might have a few minutes of real drama or humor, but as a whole is garbage.  Matrix Revolutions.

½ A worthless piece of harmless crap lacking in redeeming qualities.  Any movie with Pauly Shore in it.

No Stars A worthless piece of crap that sets back the movie making industry and the pursuit of art.  Batman and Robin.

So . . . is Mike McDermott (Matt Damon) gay?  Let’s examine the evidence.  First, we never see him get it on with Gretchen Mol.  Now, admittedly, she appears to be a high maintenance, controlling, “I take law school way to seriously” type.  But still, she’s kind of cute.  Sure, there is a scene where Mike kind of indicates that he wants some action, but he doesn’t try very hard.  And remember that line about the first time he has felt alive since he got cracked was sitting at a poker table?  She sure thought it meant something – and it wasn’t that she was making the earth move for him.  Then, after Gretchen Mol moves out, Famke Jenssen shows up in a short skirt, collects a $1000 from Matt and then makes her intentions quite clear.  Matt turns her down cold.  Rick said “now that’s discipline.” No, discipline is laying down top two pair when you know you are drawing against a straight.  Turning down a roll with Famke Jenssen after your girlfriend leaves you is a sign of something else.  Finally, at the end of the movie, Mike gets a little too excited over Teddy KGB’s butt fucking taunting. Verdict – playing for the other team.

Will Mike get cracked in Vegas?  Again, let’s examine the evidence.  First, Mike decides he “belongs” because he bluffed Johnny Chan out of a hand at a $300/600 table and then ran away with his winnings.  Well whoop de damn doo!  Johnny Chan is a world champion.  He sits down at a high stakes table where a bunch of rich guys are happy to lose money to him to say they played with Johnny Chan.  But there is this guy at the other end of the table, with a look of a poker player, who sits there for an hour not playing a hand.  Then this guy raises Johnny and confidently re-raises after Johnny bets back in to him.  Johnny knows what’s going on, either this guy has been sitting there for an hour waiting for a monster hand, finally got it and is looking to get paid; or he has been sitting there for an hour waiting for a monster hand, hasn’t gotten it, but is willing to say fuck it and see if he can try and bluff Johnny Chan.  You know why Johnny Chan is a world champion?  Because he is not going to get into a pissing contest to find out.  Congratulations Mike.  You are good enough that a world champion cannot get a complete read on you and see right through you after you have been sitting at a table for an hour not playing hands.  Yeah, you belong.

Second, let’s look at Mike’s first loss to Teddy KGB.  First, you are simply a dimwit, even if your name is Stu Unger, if you buy into a no limit game with your entire stake.  No matter how good you are, you have to be able to ride the swings.  Hard to do if you put your entire stake on the line (unless you only go all in with the stone cold nuts, which would limit your play a fair bit, especially when the pros figure out that is what you are doing).  Second, Mike thought he was setting a trap with the second best possible hand and got fucked because KGB happened to have the best possible hand and Mike inadvertently played right into it.  Is that a sign that you don’t know what you are doing?  No.  Unless, of course, you have risked your entire stake on one sitting of no limit and now you just lost it.  Mike’s crisis of doubt over his play (rather than stupidly risking all of his High Society) indicates he may not be able to handle swings all that well.

Now let’s consider the film’s climatic ending.  Has Mike learned anything?  No.  A little taunting by KGB and Mike is on tilt ready to risk everything after he already saved his ass.  So he figures out how to crack KGB.  Well whoop de damn doo!  KGB has all the markings of a bully who is pretty damn good, but he’s not ready for prime time.  Think KGB would let Johnny Chan into his establishment?  Hell no!  His tell was fucking obvious and what the hell was that play at the end?!?  Ok, flop comes with a possible straight.  Guy checks, you bet, he calls.  You put him on a draw.  Turn card comes, no help.  He checks, you bet the pot, he calls.  River card, no help.  He checks.  You bet the pot?!?  Why the fuck would you do that?  If you were correct and he was on a draw, he folds and you only get what was in the pot (same as if you checked, assuming you actually had something).  And if he was slow playing you the whole way?  You get fucked in the ass, nice and slow.  Only way KGB’s final bet makes sense is if he was bluffing the whole way, or only had a pair and was worried that Mike was not on a draw but had low two pair or something.  In which case he is still probably fucked because if Mike was just calling with two pair the whole way, thinking you were bluffing, why would he fold now?  Also, Ugarte pointed out to me that the KGB’s reference to “check, check, check” may have implied that Mike had been setting KGB up by checking and calling hands to the river all night, only to fold.  Two problems with that theory though.  One, Mike probably didn’t have enough money to do that.  Two, you are still a stupid ass if you bet all in there, because sooner or later he’ll actually be doing that with something and call you for all your money.

Finally, how does the movie end?  Mike is on his way to Vegas dreaming of winning the World Series of poker.  Verdict – Mike is going to get cracked.  He could probably grind out a good living in Vegas, but he is going to shoot for the moon and get his ass handed to him by the real pros.

Back to KGB.  He probably still made money losing to Mike, because the word is going to get around and players not as good as Mike will probably come gamble with him, thinking they can crack him to. 

Finally, why was Grandma (billed simply as Russian Thug on IMDB) so pissed that Mike lost?  He gets his money either way – actually, he probably doesn’t, because if Mike loses then he gets bupkis (depending on what his arrangement with KGB was).  Ugarte thinks he just wanted to break some more heads.  Maybe.

So . . . is Mike McDermott (Matt Damon) gay?  Let’s examine the evidence.  First, we never see him get it on with Gretchen Mol.  Now, admittedly, she appears to be a high maintenance, controlling, “I take law school way to seriously” type.  But still, she’s kind of cute.  Sure, there is a scene where Mike kind of indicates that he wants some action, but he doesn’t try very hard.  And remember that line about the first time he has felt alive since he got cracked was sitting at a poker table?  She sure thought it meant something – and it wasn’t that she was making the earth move for him.  Then, after Gretchen Mol moves out, Famke Jenssen shows up in a short skirt, collects a $1000 from Matt and then makes her intentions quite clear.  Matt turns her down cold.  Rick said “now that’s discipline.” No, discipline is laying down top two pair when you know you are drawing against a straight.  Turning down a roll with Famke Jenssen after your girlfriend leaves you is a sign of something else.  Finally, at the end of the movie, Mike gets a little too excited over Teddy KGB’s butt fucking taunting. Verdict – playing for the other team.

Will Mike get cracked in Vegas?  Again, let’s examine the evidence.  First, Mike decides he “belongs” because he bluffed Johnny Chan out of a hand at a $300/600 table and then ran away with his winnings.  Well whoop de damn doo!  Johnny Chan is a world champion.  He sits down at a high stakes table where a bunch of rich guys are happy to lose money to him to say they played with Johnny Chan.  But there is this guy at the other end of the table, with a look of a poker player, who sits there for an hour not playing a hand.  Then this guy raises Johnny and confidently re-raises after Johnny bets back in to him.  Johnny knows what’s going on, either this guy has been sitting there for an hour waiting for a monster hand, finally got it and is looking to get paid; or he has been sitting there for an hour waiting for a monster hand, hasn’t gotten it, but is willing to say fuck it and see if he can try and bluff Johnny Chan.  You know why Johnny Chan is a world champion?  Because he is not going to get into a pissing contest to find out.  Congratulations Mike.  You are good enough that a world champion cannot get a complete read on you and see right through you after you have been sitting at a table for an hour not playing hands.  Yeah, you belong.

Second, let’s look at Mike’s first loss to Teddy KGB.  First, you are simply a dimwit, even if your name is Stu Unger, if you buy into a no limit game with your entire stake.  No matter how good you are, you have to be able to ride the swings.  Hard to do if you put your entire stake on the line (unless you only go all in with the stone cold nuts, which would limit your play a fair bit, especially when the pros figure out that is what you are doing).  Second, Mike thought he was setting a trap with the second best possible hand and got fucked because KGB happened to have the best possible hand and Mike inadvertently played right into it.  Is that a sign that you don’t know what you are doing?  No.  Unless, of course, you have risked your entire stake on one sitting of no limit and now you just lost it.  Mike’s crisis of doubt over his play (rather than stupidly risking all of his High Society) indicates he may not be able to handle swings all that well.

Now let’s consider the film’s climatic ending.  Has Mike learned anything?  No.  A little taunting by KGB and Mike is on tilt ready to risk everything after he already saved his ass.  So he figures out how to crack KGB.  Well whoop de damn doo!  KGB has all the markings of a bully who is pretty damn good, but he’s not ready for prime time.  Think KGB would let Johnny Chan into his establishment?  Hell no!  His tell was fucking obvious and what the hell was that play at the end?!?  Ok, flop comes with a possible straight.  Guy checks, you bet, he calls.  You put him on a draw.  Turn card comes, no help.  He checks, you bet the pot, he calls.  River card, no help.  He checks.  You bet the pot?!?  Why the fuck would you do that?  If you were correct and he was on a draw, he folds and you only get what was in the pot (same as if you checked, assuming you actually had something).  And if he was slow playing you the whole way?  You get fucked in the ass, nice and slow.  Only way KGB’s final bet makes sense is if he was bluffing the whole way, or only had a pair and was worried that Mike was not on a draw but had low two pair or something.  In which case he is still probably fucked because if Mike was just calling with two pair the whole way, thinking you were bluffing, why would he fold now?  Also, Ugarte pointed out to me that the KGB’s reference to “check, check, check” may have implied that Mike had been setting KGB up by checking and calling hands to the river all night, only to fold.  Two problems with that theory though.  One, Mike probably didn’t have enough money to do that.  Two, you are still a stupid ass if you bet all in there, because sooner or later he’ll actually be doing that with something and call you for all your money.

Finally, how does the movie end?  Mike is on his way to Vegas dreaming of winning the World Series of poker.  Verdict – Mike is going to get cracked.  He could probably grind out a good living in Vegas, but he is going to shoot for the moon and get his ass handed to him by the real pros.

Back to KGB.  He probably still made money losing to Mike, because the word is going to get around and players not as good as Mike will probably come gamble with him, thinking they can crack him to. 

Finally, why was Grandma (billed simply as Russian Thug on IMDB) so pissed that Mike lost?  He gets his money either way – actually, he probably doesn’t, because if Mike loses then he gets bupkis (depending on what his arrangement with KGB was).  Ugarte thinks he just wanted to break some more heads.  Maybe.